If you've ever had to force a smile after someone's told you that you look just like their favorite muppet, you'll side with me immediately. If you've ever mistaken a stranger for Tori Spelling, and told them, then you may become defensive, but I don't care ÷ you are hopelessly insensitive and I am here to help you tap into that keen place within yourself where you should know better. Just what am I talking about? I'm talking about telling people they look like ugly celebrities; that's what I'm talking about. It's hurtful, it's mean, and it has to stop ÷ please.

Lindsay Muth

I'm not embarrassed to admit it. It's happened to me. Actually it's been happening more and more lately, and it's always the same ugly celebrity. I'm torn between saying straight out who it is people love to tell me I look so much like, and holding the hurt inside, where it's been festering lately anyway. I mean, I don't think I look like this person. I really don't. So people should stop telling me I do, right? I mean what am I supposed to do with the observation anyway ÷ are you warning me to quickly change my hair color and get a nose job, or do you really think I'd want to know I look like someone ugly, just for kicks? Would you?

I probably deserve it. I mean, I've done my share of telling other people they look like ugly celebrities. Perhaps there is some sort of bad karma attached to this cruel and pointless information sharing. I once blackmailed a friend for almost a year with a picture of her that distinctly resembled the lead singer of Candlebox. Don't remember them? Let's just say he was ugly. Yeah, and it really improved her self-esteem. Just like it really improves the googly-eyed, skinny kid's self-esteem when you tell him he looks like Steve Buscemi.

Here's a thought: no one wants to know. I don't want to know if I look like·a really ugly celebrity, even if I do. The creepy effeminate guy with wild red hair doesn't want to know that he resembles Carrot Top. The dumpy albino girl probably already knows she looks like Courtney Love. You don't have to tell us. You aren't helping us!

A few obvious rules of thumb would be: If hearing this about myself would personally offend me, I should not say it. If this celebrity is someone I would not sleep with, I should not say it. If this celebrity has any bulbous or incongruent facial features, I should not say it.

I know you don't all mean harm. Every time I get upset when someone tells me I look like my ugly, famous look-alike, they act surprised. They say something along the lines of, "she's not really ugly." ÷ no one has ever said, "What? She's lovely!" ÷ and I say, "Yes, she is." And then I cry and run away. Or I at least cry a little inside and move into the shadows to play my sad, sad organ-music and plot revenge. Or, people will say, "you don't look like her, you just remind me of her·" This is just as bad. What elusive quality do I possess that brings to mind this ugly person? What is it? What! Ahhh, it's horrible. Actually, I think it's my nose ÷ I was born without definitive nostrils, but still, that's not the point.

The point is: I'm a decently good person. I'd like to think most of us are good people. Nobody deserves to feel bad about themselves just because someone else is ugly. Most people don't have the confidence or thick skin to handle this sort of unhappy information. Most people feel bad enough about themselves already.

On a campus full of anorexic, D-cupped, bronzed, bleached look-alikes, there are only a seeming minority of us left who feel like we're holding onto something individual by eating, skipping surgery, not bronzing, and not bleaching. This goes for guys too, except substitute weight-lifting for anorexic and "calf" for "breast" implants. These manufactured people want to hear that they look like a celebrity. You can tell them; they earned it. But keep your fat mouth shut when it comes to the rest of us; we don't want to know.